Dealbreakers

I know I haven't written in a while, there's been so very much going on in life the last few weeks and well, let's face it, I've just been lazy. Not to mention, I've been in a perpetual loop of coughing and colds for the last almost 3 weeks now. Turns out, none of these events increase blogivation (blog motivation).

So, since I have left y'all in a seemingly humor free world in my absence, I figure it was about time to be inspired.

This week I was inspired by a conversation that I had with one of my girlfriends about dating. A topic I haven't written much about, mainly because I haven't really been doing it. However, as dust has been settling and life moves on, it's become something that seems like the right thing to do. And while there is very little about the process of dating that excites me, there are a few things that I can be sure of. And those are the dealbreakers to be looking out for.

Now this is just my list of dealbreakers. Some you will agree on, some you will not, but thank you to the great Liz Lemon from 30 Rock for giving women everywhere the idea to set bounderies in a very real, very comedic way.

Teva Sport Sandals:

Even in their hay day of the early to mid 1990s, these horrible sandals have always held a certain cringe factor to me. I'm not sure if it's the annoying velcro sound, the wretched brown/green color, the stupid loop on the back, or the way that sticks always get stuck in them, but these sandals gots to GO. Even now as I'm writing this blurb and having to look at this miserable excuse for a shoe, I find myself close to nausea and becoming increasingly angry that I have even posted them here. If you want to ask me out, leave your Teva Sport Sandals at home. And by home, I clearly mean the garbage. Just say no. Dealbreaker.

Jorts:
While these are quite atoss up for position #1 with the Teva sandals, perhaps the only bigger dealbreaker than either of these items individually is these two articles together. Seriously, is there a mirror anywhere in your home? Did your plumber dress you? How does this style even happen? I will admit there are certain situations where this is acceptable. 1) If you are under 13 years of age (because at 13, in my religion, you are officially an adult, and there is no self respecting man, save Kenny Powers, who can pull off jorts. 2) If you are Nevernude Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. And even then you are pushing it. 3) Nope, sorry only the 2 exceptions. **Note, both of the exceptions are fictional characters which means there is never any reason in the real world that this is ok. Extra Disappointment Points if you tuck your shirt in. Dealbreaker.

Overly Picky Eaters:
Don't get me wrong, I like pizza. Sorry, like isn't strong enough- I LOVE pizza. Bread, cheese, topppings, yes please! But if this is one of 4 menu items that you must have at every meal (chicken fingers, hamburgers, and tacos being the other 3) then we will not have much in common. In fact, I will feel it my official duty to judge you at every meal, and that just can't be the healthy start to a relationship. I dated you in high school, it was annoying then, it's annoying now. And if I were a betting woman, I would probably guess that your beer of choice would be Bud Light as well. If you hadn't lost your credibility before, you certainly have now. Dealbreaker.

Bad Spelling:
Ok, this category hits on 2 dealbreakers really. The first being bad spelling in general. Not on words like Antidisestablishmentarianism, but more in the vane of potato- looks like Dan Quayle never had a shot with me. It's just really irritating and having to read it in communication is the visual equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. Even worse than bad spelling? Incorrect spelling of...MY NAME. Yes, I know my name is not spelled correctly, every newspaper that contributed sports write ups in high school reminded me every week for 4 years. But I like to think that the odd spelling of my name, along with my charming personality, of course, is enough to make it stand out and remember to spell the correct way. If you can't figure it out, NEXT. Dealbreaker.

Sponge Bob:
If you are over the age of 12 and still watching Sponge Bob Square Pants, then I have to assume that you are under the influence more often than not. Don't get me wrong, I have no beef with Sponge Bob...for my 10 year old nephew. This doesn't mean that you can't sit at home and enjoy this cartoon on your own time. I just suggest that you consider clearing out the tv browser history and deleting it from your DVR because no self-respecting girl can take you seriously knowing that you are following the weekly conundrums of Sponge Bob, Patrick, and the whole gang. And this is coming from someone who watches Gossip Girl. Dealbreaker.

Ain't Got no Wheels:
If you're sittin' on the passenger side of yo' best friend's ride tryin to holler at me? No, I don't want no scrubs. Just because you don't drive a Ferrari don't mean you can't get me there. Alright, I'm out of song lyrics to make my point. No car = Dealbreaker.

Impossibly Annoying Music:

If you have ever owned an album with either of these 2 faces on them, no need to bother inquiring within. Probably also a safe bet to put in this category: Lord of the Dance. Just...Dealbreaker.

I think that has to be the short list for me. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but there are some transgressions that just can't be overlooked. So, please be on the lookout for these very real Dealbreakers. Ladies, you may think these are not serious faults, but trust me...they are. Don't say that you weren't warned.

One final word to the wise from the great LL- Put potato chips on your sandwiches!