Thursday, April 10, 2014

American Honey's A Callin'

It's been a very stressful week. Between a new and growing role at work, signing contracts on my new home, making time for the gym, classes, softball practice, and just general things you have to do in day to day life. It's been a lot, but I think a lot of good. At least that's how I'm choosing to see it.

But the last few weeks overall, despite the surmounting stress, have been eye opening. I've always been the girl that could do it all, felt I could have it all. Time constraints never mattered, efficiency has never been a challenge, and there was nothing that I couldn't accomplish. But, ironically, accomplishing something so big in the last few weeks has actually made me realize that there are limitations to what I can achieve. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

It dawned on me when I was singing at the top of my lungs in the car one day. One of my favorite private-car karaoke songs, "American Honey". Now I know what you're thinking...country isn't really my vocal forte. I'm more of a Salt N Peppa or Pat Benetar kind of vocalist, but you'd be wrong. I can belt my country with the best of them. And by best of them, let's all be clear that I mean I'm better than Mickey (but if asked in front of him, I will admit to nothing).

That's not the point I was trying to make, I don't think.

But I had an epiphany mid-song: Get caught in the race of this crazy life/ Trying to be everything, can make you lose your mind. Damn, Lady A, you get me. Now I did not grow up on the side of the road where the church bells ring and strong love grows, but there definitely is a wild, wild whisper blowin in the wind, callin out my name like a long lost friend.

And I've been listening to that wind at roughly the same level that I listen to anyone when I've got a snack in my possession. I know someone is talking, but I kind of nod along and focus on the snack at hand. Note: do not tell me anything important when I am eating, but you likely already know that.

The realization is this: I've been trying so hard to be everything to everyone else, that I've forgotten to be certain things for myself. And having done something as empowering and self-serving as buying myself my first home was a big wake up call to remind me that I have to be there for myself first and foremost. At least at this point in my life. This is the time in my life where I get to take care of myself. And as much as I watch my friends around me getting married, having children, taking care of others, I do want those things one day. But right now, I've got to be everything to me. And if you are in a similar position, you should do the same too. I also watch a lot of my friends forget to take care of themselves in both mind and body.

So why does this all matter? As I think back to the last few years of my life, as I often find myself doing in the wake of my recent decisions, I've never been good at this. I've always worked so hard to be EVERYTHING. And while I want to be everything, it's not at the expense of what I want even more than which is comfortable and confident with myself. And in order to do that, I have to be ok with not being everything. I can be a lot, and I think that I am.

But this next phase of life, which is truly what this is, I am not focusing on being everything. I am going to focus on getting really good at what I am.

So here's to the next phase, here's to listening to the wild wind, and here's to being something instead of everything!

Cheers, all!
CLW