Ghosts

I've never been one to believe in the supernatural. Except for maybe up until the age of 10, but in my defense there were totally monsters living in my creepy closet. Halloween is a little scary for my taste, but more because of the gore associated with the horror movies than the actual threat of ghosts and goblins. Although, I do remember Devon Sawa as Casper made me and all the girls in the 12-16 demographic a little bit of a believer. (Who can possibly forget him and Christina Ricci floating at the Halloween party for their first dance? Sigh...)

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah...ghosts. When I use the term ghosts, I don't mean in the scary haunting you from the beyond kind of ghost, I mean more in the sense of those things in our past that still haunt us. I had an experience this weekend that I have been thinking about in great detail (as I often do with many things). From my abnormal childhood to my awkward adolesence, I have always struggled with self confidence issues as many females in the US do. For this I am not special. However, in the last 5-10 years, I have made great strides in becoming comfortable with myself, who I am, and where I am.

But why is it that all it takes is one wrong glance from a catty sales clerk in the dressing room at the mall to make you regress to the overweight 14 year old tom boy with glasses and no sense of self? I couldn't believe the position that I found myself in that day. Here I was, an adult (for all intensive purposes) in a nice store, spending my own money, on a dress 4 sizes smaller than what I wore in high school, for a fun holiday party with friends and I had a moment of complete panic. This tall, perky, cute, probably 17 year old "mean girl" (a la Rachel McAdams as Regina George) managed to take that all away from me. And I was not sure who I was more upset with- her for doing it, or me for allowing it to happen. But for that moment in time, all the pressure and discomfort of my awkward, haunting teenage years came flooding back to me with frightening precision.

Tonight, I think about that run in at the mall and I can laugh at myself for being transported back to that awkward teenager who would have grabbed her mini backpack and run off to the nearest Journeys store, because that was always the safe haven in the mall. Any and all levels of weird were welcome there. That girl was my Ghost of Shopping Mall Past. How did she get to me? I am in the best shape of my life, financially independent, had just had a great weekend with great friends, and she managed to unravel it all, with one snide comment that was so unimportant I can't even recall it right now. This perplexes me. Of course, it wasn't until after I left the mall and was on my way home, still pondering the issue, that I realized what I SHOULD have done was marched back in there with the dress that I actually bought, and told her off Julia Roberts style, "Hey remember me? Big mistake, HUGE". I guess that really only works if Richard Gere is footing the bill though.

So how do we deal with our ghosts from the past? The girls that made our lives a living hell in high school, they are always out there- at work, on the tennis court, in the gym, at the mall...everywhere. We can't just shed the scars they left on us from years of torment and feelings of social inferiority. Or can we? Does the inner fat teenage girl ever really go away or do I even want her to?  I think I owe it to her not to cower in this situation, but to rise up and be proud of her for making me who I am today. I am not embarrased of her, and I want to apologize to awkward teenage Synthia for letting that moment of weakness creep in. We're better than that, we're stronger than that, she and I, our powers combined.

I'm not perfect in this situation either. I by no means am attempting to victimize myself here. I've been a mean girl in the past, it's a defense mechanism that awkward teenage Synthia developed to handle these situations. She also shows up from time to time, and I don't like her either. What worse can there be than being the mean girl that I myself can't stand? Another ghost that I would like to release and move on from.

The challenge is how do we let go and allow these phantoms to pass on to a world where they can no longer haunt us (just as Devon Sawa did after his dance with Christina Ricci, btw)? Perhaps it is the passing of time, perhaps I have more confidence to build, and perhaps they never really pass on. I do not know the answer, obviously.

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light. Ok, fine, I stole that last line from Mumford and Sons "Ghosts", not a perfect fit, but I'll live with it...mainly because the song deals with ghosts. Different types of ghosts, but ghosts none the less.

This Christmas, I'll have a Ghostbusters Proton Pack on my wish list. That outta do the trick!