That's what Brian Boitano would do.

Alright, you are all reasonably intelligent people, so I think that you have all figured out that summer is right on our heels in Atlanta. We've passed the "snow" scares, the fake heat wave followed by the imperative cold snap, survived the pollen traps and have finally arrived at the 2 week period of beautiful, yet hot, weather. The humidity hasn't found us yet, and sitting in the shade is the exact most perfect temperature that anyone could ask for. But out in the sun, we are starting to perspire (because, yes, I'm a lady- I don't sweat, I perspire...atleast for the next two weeks). This can only mean one thing...

SUMMER IS COMING!! AHHHHHHHHH!!

As part of my Softball Park Board Member duties this season, I prepared a guide for how to beat the summer heat and avoid heat exhaustion and dehydration. I had to be pretty political about it, so I decided to share with y'all the REAL secrets to Beating the Summer heat. The tips they don't give you on the Mayo Clinic site (i.e. my first round version that got rejected):

• Find a decent pool nearby. This is the single safest place to be in the summer. Why? Because it's a POOL. A body of cold water with people paid to make sure you don't die. So if you want to not die from the heat, just hang out at the pool. Disclaimer: Pools are only 98% effective in the prevention of Heat Exhaustion. They do not protect against drowning or diseases such as skin cancer and anything that you can catch from children's "accidents".  

• Ask yourself the question "What Would Brian Boitano do?" Seriously. What would he do? Sure, he fights grizzlies and robot kings, and usually even kicks an ass or two. But, when Brian Boitano was in the olympics, Skating for the gold, He did two sow cows and a triple lutz, While wearing a blind fold- he was....ON ICE!! That's what Brian Boitano would do. Besides, Diddy didn't did it.

• Stay inside during the day. Simple enough solution, right? Just avoid the sun, if it can't get you, it can' hurt you. Nevermind the fact that this ould potentially cause the neighborhood kids to start assigning creepy nicknames to you, à la Boo Radley. So if this is the route that you decide to take, I highly recommend developing your stealthy moniker ahead of time and get the word out before little Johnny from down the block deems you "Crazy Pete", "Creepula", "Vampire Face" "Night Walker, Texas Ranger", or "Shadow Creeper". I dunno, coming up with nicknames is not my strength, that's why I keep a Marlie around. I do, however, call dibs on "Night Hawk".

• Drink lots of water. Umm, duh. And if you chose not to drink lots of water, then throw a few extra ice cubes in your whiskey, or be sure to stick to ice cold beer or frozen drinks with umbrellas. Please do not drink irresponsibly this summer. And by that, I mean do not, under any circumstance, let your beer get warm. Party Foul.

• Make smart investments. I'm not talking about your stock portfolio or other assets, but make a few purchases that will aid you in your quest for refuge from the heat. Allow me to make a few practical suggestions:

          Maybe one of these:

          Which you could store in one of these:

          But be sure not to forget one of these:

The SCRUNCHIE! Not a Tanner child from Full House...

How could you possibly fall victim to heat exhaustion when you are exuding the pure essence of "cool" out of every pore? And if you do, well you can just use your scrunchie to put your hair on top of your head, and pull your spray fan out of your fanny pack to mist for a moment!

• And lastly, the best tip that I can offer you to keep your temperature regulated and not pass out in this summer heat is to move. Far away from here. I'm talking somewhere with an igloo- Alaska maybe? Maybe Sarah and Todd have some extra room at their crib for you. Although, watch out for those grizzly bears! Might be best to have Brian Boitano's number on hand if you take this option. Atleast you would be able to see Russia from their house and can kick back with Joe Six Pack and knock off a few cold ones.

Now nobody can say that you weren't warned and advised. If any of you choose to follow your own advice - the "medically accepted" advice - don't come commenting to me when you wind up passed out not by a pool without the contents of your handy dandy fanny pack that you lost in the move.

Happy almost summer, fellow Atlantans! (and I suppose also to you too, non-Atlantans!)