The Things I Don't Know

I've been racking my brain all week for my next blog post, and have sat down probably 3 or 4 times to start writing and 1-2 sentences in, I hate what I've got. I'm getting nowhere with my thoughts, except more lost. And it's not that I don't have thoughts about various topics, but I haven't quite figured out where their final development stages yet. So if I can't figure out what I mean, I'm sure not going to subject you all to trying to figure it out.

So since I am struggling with writting about something that I do know, I figured maybe I should take an alternative approach and write about what I don't know. That seems to be the majority of what I am sure of lately anyway- that of which I am not sure. I know what I don't know...ya know?

While I have spent the last few months working very hard to focus on my day to day life (waking up on time, longer walks for Mickey, eating smarter, running more, etc.), I have very consciously tried not to focus on the big picture issues (what's my 5 life year plan, will I renew my apartment lease, will I actually go back to school?). And I think that it might be time that I start making some progress on these big ticket items. Yet, I have no idea how to start making a dent in all of these decisions. And where I get really torn is whether I even need to make any decisions. Maybe a "wait and see" plan is the right approach. Maybe I need to take a big risk (which, let's face it- not really my style). Maybe I just need to make a bad decision. But identifying all the options, all the pros, all the cons, all the right answers, and especially all the wrong ones, just lands me in a spinning frenzy that forces me to retreat back to my daily-centric thought model.

Maybe this is common for people my age. It's just a growing pain, a rite of passage into being a "real grown up", whatever that means. The in-between can be quite frustrating. Sometimes I still feel like a kid- having to ask others in my office what a Flexible Spending Account is and where the heck do I purchase car insurance- and sometimes I feel like an old lady- all I want is a Werthers Original and a nice blanket to cover my knees while I watch the Price is Right. I just don't want to flutter about for the next 10 years making no progress. But I guess even if that's what I do, that's ok. I suppose it's possible that I'm wasting my time trying to come up with an answer that can't be found. I'm trying to divide by 0.

What a coincidence- I am writing and listening to Adele's NPR Tiny Desk show (which is a phenomenal music series that I just discovered tonight, you should look it up, really) and the first part of this song really just grabbed me:

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right

Now, while this song is likely about a bad relationship and not a decision about an apartment lease or graduate school, I'm going to go ahead and pretend that I didn't hear the rest of it (even though I did and it's a really good song, kudos). The idea that even if you are wrong, you are right- you made a decision and you can't undo it, you gotta go with it...I hope for that kind of definitive feeling, a willingness just to go after something. Not even a right one, but just to start getting things off my plate. Confidence.

I guess, long story short, (and congratulations to all of you who happened to guess right and skip immediately to the last line for the summary) there's a lot that I don't know. And that's what I know.