The Rules of Car Care Are Simple and Finite

I did something big this weekend.

That's right, I bought a new car, the single biggest purchase I've ever made in my life. Not just any car either, but an Audi A4 2.0T. Yeah, I didn't really know what that meant either. All I really know is that it's a shiny silvery blue with leather interior, satellite radio, seat warmers, and tops out around 120mph. And it has a really cool button that does this thing where it makes a "ding" sound! Not sure what it does, but it's like totally the coolest sound ever.

And I freaking love it. Not just because it's a car, but because it's one badass car. I never actually knew that I could care anything about a car, but thank you to my new Audi, Babs, for showing me a side of me that I never thought I had. I'm looking forward to the plethora of speeding tickets that we are sure to rack up in Richmond - the town of the 25mph speed limit.

Now, I do not consider myself a particularly materialistic individual, and I'm rarely one to be "trendy", atleast I think that's what the kids call it these days, but there's something about getting behind the wheel of a sweet ride and basking in the glory that it's all mine, I bought it for myself. I am an In-De-Pen-Dent woman. Girl Power. I depend on me. And whatever other feministic quotation popular music has produced in the last 15 years. I will play all those sweet jams on my bitchin' sound system..

As an ode to my new wheels, I've decided to lay down a few simple ground rules. And for anyone who ever knew of my old Scion, I hope that you will be as amused as I am that there are now stated rules around the existence of my car. This isn't the same dog hair covered, softball equipment toting, no oil change in 2 years shell that I had no qualms about running over curbs with. I now completely understand and encourage the driver who parks at the back of the parking lot across 2 spaces in order to preserve the integrity of each precious angle of their automobile.


Rule #1- There will be NO eating in the Audi. 10 hour road trip? I suggest you consume a healthy portion of protein for breakfast, because there will not be any roadside Pizza flavored Combos brought into the vehicle. A stop at McDonalds? Don't be surprised if I let you out and then ditch you when I go to "park the car". Going out for ice cream on a hot summer eve? I suggest you scarf the entire cone between the cash register and the walk back to the car. Allow me to reiterate...THERE WILL BE NO FOOD IN THE AUDI!

Rule #2- There will be NO drinking in the Audi. Drinks are liquid, and liquids spill, that's just standard science, read any 4th grade text book (actually, don't bother, just take my word for it). You will be granted 1 (one) half filled bottle of water, provided that it has a secured sports top properly affixed in compliance with National Water Bottle Board regulations. Why a half bottle? Excellent question, allow me to move right into the next rule...

Rule #3- There will be NO peeing in the Audi. This applies to anyone and everyone, man and dog alike. Let's assume I decide to take this badass piece of automotive machinery on a road trip and we hit a stretch of I-85 where it's 40 miles to the next rest stop; I don't like them odds. So instead of playing a game of Russian Roulette with the bladder gods, there will be limited intake of H2O if you wish to roll with me and Babs. I expect Mickey to be most impacted by this one.

Rule #4- There will be NO loitering near the Audi. If everyone could just do me a solid and agree to keep a safe perimeter around Babs when she is in Park, that would be stellar. This will prevent me from having to invest in a makeshift safety perimeter that I will store, pull out of the trunk and post upon any trip in public...thereby alienating any of my friends who have already voiced rather strong opinions around "no longer wanting to be seen in public" with me. I'm not sure I can afford the decrease in social activity. Your cooperation in this matter would be greatly appreciated.



I've only had her for about 3 days now, so I'm still finalizing the governing bylaws. For any other OCD, type A car owners out there, are there any additional rules that I should be invoking? Any other simple rules to high strung car ownership of which I should be aware?

Alright, enough crazy for one night. Off to bed so that I can rest up to be in top driving condition for tomorrow. Oh, Rule #5, no fatigued driving.